Ayo Edebiri ruled decisively on the issues that matter most to Americans — taking concert videos on their phone, proper Letterboxd and Instagram comment decorum, and taking food off other peoples’ plates — in a new “Petty Disputes” video for Vanity Fair. 

For the clip, the actress was presented with several cases, in which plaintiffs brought charges of socially dubious behavior against defendants, who did their best to justify their actions. Edebiri was then left to pass judgement, a task she was more than qualified for because, as she quipped, she spent 17 years in law school and is also a Libra (“Need I say more? Probably.”)

The first case involved a girlfriend roasting her boyfriend for taking a video at a Drake concert, which mostly prompted Edebiri to pontificate on the need to legally mandate the return of concert DVDs so people didn’t have to take terrible phone videos they’ll never watch anyway. She also joked that the couple didn’t seem like they were long for this world, a judgement she similarly passed later when roasting a different boyfriend for leaving fire emojis in the comments of a popular Instagram model. 

“My verdict is, you are a fool, and a yokel — your sentence, the streets where you belong,” Edebiri cracked. 

Edebiri also had strong words for a man caught writing up his Letterboxd review in a movie theater before the movie had even ended. While the defendant claimed he wrote his review “basically during the credits,” and needed to get it down before he forgot, Edebiri — a powerhouse Letterboxd reviewer herself — demanded time codes and urged the man to work on his memory: “You need to start doing more Sudoku in the morning and taking fish oil vitamins,” she quipped. 

There was one case, however, that seemed to shake Edebiri to her core: That of the dad who claimed it was a “victimless crime” when he plucked a french fry off a room service tray that was waiting to go into somebody else’s room.

“To the person who submitted this message, I don’t know how to tell you this” Edebiri said gravely, “but your father has murdered people before.”