The eternally hip frontman of the Cars, Ric Ocasek, died at the age of 75 last year, with his body being discovered in his Manhattan home by his wife of several decades, the Czech supermodel Paulina Porizkova. The couple had announced in 2017 that they would be separating, and had begun divorce proceedings in the weeks leading up to his death. Now, in her first interview since Ocasek’s passing, Porizkova opened up about the grief of unexpectedly losing “the man that I loved and that I had grown up with,” and how she’s been blindsided by her complete exclusion from Ocasek’s will. “It’s made the grieving process really, really tricky. Because I would love to just be able to be sad and miss him, and not also feel this incredible hurt of his betrayal,” she told CBS Sunday Morning. “Oh, oh yeah. I feel betrayed. I sure do.”

In addition to Porizkova, Ocasek cut out two children from an earlier marriage from his will. The couple continued to live together and maintain a very friendly relationship, Porizkova added, up until his death. She also happily accompanied Ocasek to his Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony in 2018. “Yesterday I was kind of having a nervous breakdown,” she explained, noting how she put all of her modeling earnings into the marriage. “And today I’m feeling a little bit stronger. And in a way, this is freeing me. It’s really, really scary. I didn’t necessarily want it. But this is what I got. And so, I have to learn how to use my wings now.”

“I’m never gonna get an answer,” she added about the exclusion. “And that sucks.” As noted by the New York Post, who obtained copies of Ocasek’s will, the musician updated his will weeks before his death to ensure Porizkova was written out, “because she has abandoned me.” In turn, Porizkova has filed court papers to seek part of his estate, which is valued at $5 million.