Jessica Simpson opens up about her toughest struggles in her new memoir Open Book. Through excerpts in People, the singer revealed her history of anxiety and emotional pain stemming from sexual abuse she suffered as a young girl. As she grew up, she says she used pills and alcohol to numb the pain, starting around the time she dated musician John Mayer. Simpson went sober in November 2017. “I was killing myself with all the drinking and pills,” she writes in an excerpt shared in People. Alongside her personal trauma and history, Simpson looks back at one of her most publicized relationships.

“He loved me in the way that he could and I loved that love for a very long time,” she says of Mayer. “Too long. And I went back and forth with it for a long time. But it did control me.” The pair had an on-and-off relationship where Simpson “constantly worried” about being good enough for him. “My anxiety would spike and I would pour another drink,” she says. “It was the start of me relying on alcohol to mask my nerves.” Their relationship officially ended after he called her “sexual napalm” in a 2010 Playboy story. “He thought that was what I wanted to be called,” Simpson remembers. “I was floored and embarrassed that my grandmother was actually gonna read that.” She carried the effects of the relationship with her and continued to battle alcoholism. Now, over two years sober, Simpson runs a billion-dollar clothing company, has three kids running around, and wants to share her story with the world. Open Book and all of its secrets are out February 4.